two thousand ten

I planned on doing this post on New Year's Eve, but I somehow got sidetracked and didn't quite get the chance. So, I guess there's no time like the present.

I took a moment to reflect on the past year of my life. I thought about how it's ironic that I've always done what is expected of me, and yet my life seems to continuously fall apart. But as I was driving in the car (like ten minutes ago), I came to an interesting conclusion. Maybe nothing works out because I was doing what I thought others expected me to do, and not what was right for me. That's a pretty easy conclusion to come to, but I took the round-about way of reaching it so it took like a year. How me.

This is what the past year of my life looked like:
Jan 4th-Went back to Amsterdam after spending the holidays with my family. It was around this time that I decided to move back to the states.
Feb 18th-Moved back to the States.
March 13th-Started working at the worst job ever. Pretty much had no life for the next 7 months.
Oct 5th-Turned the big 2-4.
Mid Octoberish-Put in my notice to quit said job.
Mid Decemberish- Enrolled in grad school to get me to a place I want to be in life.

When I put it that way it seems quite uneventful. Living it, it seemed tumultuous.

Anyway, here are the things I want to accomplish in the coming year:
1. Re-become financially independent. Get a job I love and can be proud of. I took a lot of pride in being able to take care of myself. Now I just need to get back on track.

2. Find love. Being single has been fun, but it's getting old. I want to find a male best friend that I also happen to love. And who is a good kisser. And can give me hugs when I need them. And who I can do that for.

3. Get good grades in Grad school so I can later become Dr. Thompson. Scratch that. Dr. Lastnameoftheguyimarry.

Not too much to accomplish.

Wish me luck. I hope that you all accomplish everything you want to accomplish and find happiness.

so i haven't posted anything in a very, very long time. but, i was thinking: it's helpful to have an outlet when your life is changing. and my life is about to change big time. so hopefully, i'll be writing on here again.

i quit my job, start grad school in less than a month, have to find a place to live, and have met some really promising life partner (or maybe short-term partner) candidates. haha. things are looking up. let's see how long this lasts.

my own worst enemy

so it's been a while.

i needed to write tonight.

i don't know if it's because i've been feeling kind of down lately and i just reached my boiling point, or if it's because i feel like i have no one to talk to. oh wait...could it be both?

i've been fine for months now, but you know how it is when the smallest thing can just send you into a state of melancholy. well that happened to me last night, and small things keep reminding me of it and i'm just sinking deeper.

i went out with a friend and was having a good time (except for one major factor that i will elaborate on in a sec). at some point in time this guy stands next to me at the bar. i never talked to him, and he never looked at me. there was no interaction. but i noticed something about him. he was wearing a wedding band.

who cares, right?

it was at this moment that i realized just how alone in this world i am. if my life continues down the path it's on, i'll still be single at age...well, forever. i'm sure there could be worse things, okay, i know there could be, but i don't want that for myself.

it's scary to think i'll be alone forever. and not trusting anyone does not help my situation. i am literally my own worst enemy. and i have no clue how to fix that.

okay enough of that...now onto the major factor.

so i'm out with my friend and his friend. we'll call them mister and umhellno.

so i went out mister and umhellno on tuesday night. we all had a great time. i'm a nice girl, and sometimes (most times) guys interpret my niceness as interest. um, wrong you are sir.

let's just say i have pretty high regard for myself, and high expectations of prospective suitors. i'm attractive, educated, i bring home the bacon, and i'm nice (and sometimes funny).

umhellno is sometimes funny (and not even as often as i am).

see the difference in the lists? no hotness, no education, no bacon, no nice.

so i noticed last night that umhellno kept touching me. on my leg, on the small of my back, just awkwardness. he also kept acting like i was there "with" him. um, hell no.

so let's combine the two: i was realizing how alone in the world i am, and then umhellno is trying to pick me up. worst combination EVER.

but wait, it gets better.

so we head over to mister's house to have a bite to eat, and then mister decides to pass out. THANKS. where does that leave me? riding home with umhellno who yet again asks me for my number, and tells me the story about how he hasn't had a girlfriend in five years.

this is the point where i have to turn into a biatch to get guys to leave me alone. i don't like doing it, but drastic measures are sometimes in order.

i just really need an episode or two of is she really going out with him to come on. that would really help.