so i haven't posted anything in a very, very long time. but, i was thinking: it's helpful to have an outlet when your life is changing. and my life is about to change big time. so hopefully, i'll be writing on here again.

i quit my job, start grad school in less than a month, have to find a place to live, and have met some really promising life partner (or maybe short-term partner) candidates. haha. things are looking up. let's see how long this lasts.

my own worst enemy

so it's been a while.

i needed to write tonight.

i don't know if it's because i've been feeling kind of down lately and i just reached my boiling point, or if it's because i feel like i have no one to talk to. oh wait...could it be both?

i've been fine for months now, but you know how it is when the smallest thing can just send you into a state of melancholy. well that happened to me last night, and small things keep reminding me of it and i'm just sinking deeper.

i went out with a friend and was having a good time (except for one major factor that i will elaborate on in a sec). at some point in time this guy stands next to me at the bar. i never talked to him, and he never looked at me. there was no interaction. but i noticed something about him. he was wearing a wedding band.

who cares, right?

it was at this moment that i realized just how alone in this world i am. if my life continues down the path it's on, i'll still be single at age...well, forever. i'm sure there could be worse things, okay, i know there could be, but i don't want that for myself.

it's scary to think i'll be alone forever. and not trusting anyone does not help my situation. i am literally my own worst enemy. and i have no clue how to fix that.

okay enough of that...now onto the major factor.

so i'm out with my friend and his friend. we'll call them mister and umhellno.

so i went out mister and umhellno on tuesday night. we all had a great time. i'm a nice girl, and sometimes (most times) guys interpret my niceness as interest. um, wrong you are sir.

let's just say i have pretty high regard for myself, and high expectations of prospective suitors. i'm attractive, educated, i bring home the bacon, and i'm nice (and sometimes funny).

umhellno is sometimes funny (and not even as often as i am).

see the difference in the lists? no hotness, no education, no bacon, no nice.

so i noticed last night that umhellno kept touching me. on my leg, on the small of my back, just awkwardness. he also kept acting like i was there "with" him. um, hell no.

so let's combine the two: i was realizing how alone in the world i am, and then umhellno is trying to pick me up. worst combination EVER.

but wait, it gets better.

so we head over to mister's house to have a bite to eat, and then mister decides to pass out. THANKS. where does that leave me? riding home with umhellno who yet again asks me for my number, and tells me the story about how he hasn't had a girlfriend in five years.

this is the point where i have to turn into a biatch to get guys to leave me alone. i don't like doing it, but drastic measures are sometimes in order.

i just really need an episode or two of is she really going out with him to come on. that would really help.

why did i do that?

every day i live with my parents i am reminded why i shouldn't live with my parents.

i need to get an apartment.

this will be an expensive venture. i had an apartment's worth of furniture, but i sold all of it and blew that money in amsterdam. good plan. those were my "screw future plans" days. now i'm in the future and i wish i hadn't done that.

so i am officially beginning my apartment search.

one hundred

so i think my brother might have the swine flu. no joke. he went to the doctor this morning but they refused to test him. say what? there are already 19 suspected cases in el paso, and mexican kids go to his high school. and i mean mexican like they actually live in mexico and commute everyday. they live juarez, a place where there are confirmed cases. way to be a doctor!

in other news...i still have no social life. but i feel like it's just around the corner...of this never ending street. kind of like good ol' lomanstraat.

it's supposed to be 100 degrees in el paso on thursday. this is not cool. literally. god, i love air conditioning.

i went to lunch and shopping with my mom and sister today. it was nice to have a mini girl's day out.

long time, no read.

i guess since i was tagged twice, i'll make my list :)

6 simple things that make me smile:

1. a big glass of skim milk in the morning.

2. sneezing. it is so refreshing. is it strange that sneezing is one of my favorite things? i love it.

3. the mountains. you can see them from anywhere in el paso.

4. when life gets so ridiculous you just laugh. like this.

5. random quotes. sometimes when i feel alone, a few simple words help me know that someone once felt the way i do.

6. sleeping when it's raining outside.

i would tag six blogs, but i don't follow that many and half of you guys have already been tagged or tagged me ;)

moving on to other things. oh wait, all i do is work. moving onto other thing(-s).

they're moving me to the men's department. i'm not too thrilled about this. i've already had an altercation with my soon to be "boss". he was rude, in front of associates (workers), and i had to inform him that he "can't talk to me like that." fun times. later he was all like "i kind of liked it." i said "you're welcome?" silly me, i wasn't aware that i did it for his own pleasure.

have i ever mentioned that my life feels like one big game of "let's screw emily over"?

because it does.

but i'm going to try to be positive about this (and you guys now know how hard this can sometimes be for me).

so i FINALLY have the weekend off, and i'm planning on spending a ton of time with my family. i'm going to my nephew's baseball game, taking my niece to see the hannah montana movie, and then relaxing for the remainder. i wish i could have slept in, but as usual i woke up bright and early at 7:15.

hello all!

it has been such a long time since i've been able to blog. so much has happened, but at this point i can't even remember most of it. ha!

work is going well. i'm learning how to do my job little by little. it's a lot to take on, but luckily i have really nice co-workers who are always willing to help me.

i bought a car. if we're friends on facebook, i'll put up photos there. it's a pretty sweet ride. it's also previously belonged to my mother ;)

i've become a shopaholic. not a good thing. i mean it's fun to shop, but i need to pull in the reins on that one.

i get my iphone tomorrow. haha. nice transition from being a shopaholic.

i've decided that now is the time to get a boyfriend. i'm working on it. give me a week or two.

teeth

so there's this guy at work. i won't mention names, but he is very (okay extremely) attractive. and for me to say this, it means a lot. you guys know how picky i am (especially about jaw lines and teeth ;)

we sometimes talk, but it's mostly about lame loser topics that grandmas talk to each other about right before they take their afternoon nap.

i'm not really sure what has happened to me. i used to be overly-confident when it came to guys and relationships. then, along came jerkface (can also be referred to as wanker if you're british) who ruined my life (okay, not really but it adds to the drama) and also my self-confidence.

so back to super-hot: i feel like a 12 year old girl who has a crush and will never, ever approach the boy. and it doesn't help that i'm older than him (does that make me a cougar?). i am so out of practice when it comes to being my age and single. isn't it ironic? i've been single for over a year and i'm still not quite sure what i'm doing. before i liked being single, now super-hot has me questioning this.

anyway, i'll keep you updated on my endeavors. i know you're on the edge of your seat.

so much for being a rolly polly.

uggggggggggggggggggggggghscribbledee.

so starts another week of work. i actually like my job, but i found out that we're going to six day work weeks. that would be greeeat if i was hourly, but since i'm salaried it just plain sucks. when do i get to have a life? i should have noticed that all the managers are single, super stressed, and over 35. do i want to be bridget jones when i'm 35? NO.

i have plans in my life that don't center around a career. they're called "husband" and "family." this is not optional. so, i'm happy with my job for now, but i refuse to let my "career" ruin my personal life.

in other news...that's actually about it.

OH.MY.GOD.

i finally have about five minutes to update my blog. yay!

so, work is going good. that was...until i had to work open to close on my day off. which i wouldn't mind if (1) i wasn't salaried and was getting paid extra for those hours and (2) there was a reason for me to be there (like the meeting i was supposed to have with the boss that never quite occurred). oh well...such is life.

i'd update you on my awesomely amazing life, but since all i do is work and sleep, i have NO LIFE. looks like i'll be able to save a lot of that hard earned dough. we got new coach purses in and i really want this certain one, but what's the use? it would probably just sit in my car for the next, well...forever.

ugh.

i get this weekend off though, so things are temporarily looking up.

i get my first paycheck on thursday! SCORE.

checking the perimeter.

so i'll be working at the handbag and accessory department at the BIGGEST dillard's in the state of TEXAS.

my sister and i went to the mall yesterday and just happened to stop by dillard's. i wanted to see what types of people i would be working with. well, we soon found out the answer to my question. there were two women working the handbag area. they were both about 55-60 years old. say what? yep.

little ol' me is supposed to be telling these women what to do. it just makes me nervous because nobody over the age of 35 takes me seriously. i look about 17. and that's on an "old" day. we'll see how this goes.

i've also got my eye on a sweet ride. i'll keep it under wraps until it's legally mine, but i think you guys will like it ;)

holy shnit (for lack of a better word)

I GOT A JOB!

go me, go me, go me, go me!

i start monday!

yippy skippy

well, i didn't get the texas tech job. which is a little surprising because the guy talked to me for over an hour. uuuuuuuusfjnsgoing;forngvoins;gonisnjgo;iggggggghhhhh.

one down, one to go.

...one step closer to joining the army.

yep.

so this is the week where i find out if i have a job here in el paso or if i get to join the army.

what a great way to start a completely non-stressful week!

in other news, i opened my email this morning to find i received an email i've been waiting on for months, and lo and behold, the message ended up being blank...NO NO NO NO NO!

oh, how i heart monday.

heart heart heart.

that's right. i am.

so i took the asvab today. talk about a joke.

it's supposed to take 2-3 hours. i finished in an hour. this made me a little nervous because whenever i finish a test early i wonder if i just think i know what i'm doing when in actuality i have no clue. not to mention that when i was waiting to check in the guy sitting next to me asked me what i did to study...WHAT? WE WERE SUPPOSED TO STUDY? haha. i did absolutely nothing to prepare. he bought a study guide and was taking it very seriously.

so i finish and walk up to the proctor and she looks a little confused that i finished so early. this adds to my trepidation. she prints off my scores, staples them shut and hands it to me. apparently she can tell i'm feeling unsure of myself because she says "you did excellent".

phew! big ol' sigh of relief.

so basically all that happened was i proved i am a GENIUS.

did i mention that i was the ONLY girl there? i mean there were only like ten of us, but come on.

i also ventured to the gym again. i am amazed at how quickly my body has learned to love exercise, and how much better i feel afterward. i am not amazed with how much i weigh. more like disgusted. so from now on i will not eat any junk. i will not drink any soda. that's right: soda diet is back. and i'll do some other healthy stuff which i will figure out later ;) i've started (okay, i'm GOING TO start) an exercise journal so i can keep track of my progress.

i ran tonight and i am going to circuit training in the morning. my trainer (dad) says i should go once in the morning and once in the evening. UGH/YAY!

sunshine

i am so glad/thankful i live in a place that is going to be 78 degrees when everyone else seems to be getting cold and snow.

i think i'm beginning to figure out what i need to do with my life right now. that's a nice feeling to have.

i'm taking the asvab tomorrow. the first step in my newest quest. wish me luck.

words of support to myself

i went up to new mexico state university in las cruces yesterday to check out the rotc program for grad school.

and...i'm going to talk to the recruiter today about officer candidate school.

i've been going to the gym with my dad and/or brother and i just have to say that i am walking like an 80 year old today. my calf muscles are so incredibly sore/tight. this is going to be rough, but i know i can do it. now if only my allergies/major sinus headache would alleviate itself.

red light district?

after a few more dismal job interviews, i am about ready to cry. i can feel it building up inside of me. my mum says to just let it out, but i like to save it up until it gets really, really bad and then have a huge balling session. i know: that has to mean something. i like to be as "strong" as possible until it gets to be too much. it's nice to know that i'm not completely alone in this behavior ;)

i know deep down that i do this on purpose. a huge emotional purge is so much more gratifying.

i'm beginning to wonder why i went to college at all. i don't even qualify for jobs that pay 7 bucks an hour. oh, and btw don't mention plans to attend grad school. this is seen as an interference with prospective job(s). army here i come? i really am seeing my options shrinking, and there really could be worse things than the army. i've seen them in amsterdam...

in other news, i had lunch with my sister today and it was really nice to be able to talk to her without kids/other family around. it happens rarely, so it was by far the best hour of my day. even though she probably has no clue, i really look up to her. she's had some trying times, and she's still a really good person. i missed her a lot when i was in amsterdam.

it was 85 today. it felt sooooo hot. i'm going to die this summer (if i'm still here).

(i miss you).

915

so, it's official! i'm back in the 915 (that's the area code for el paso).

so far, i've been to a job interview (waste o' time since as the lady put it: a college degree equals basic skills and nothing more), wal-mart, and laid out by the pool in the 70 degree weather.

...what to do now...

talk to the peeps at utep, talk to a recruiter, apply for every job that i have yet to apply for.

one...more...day

last day in amsterdam...and i'm sick.

thumbs down on that one, body. thumbs down.

oh and brace yourselves for the title of my blog to change. it won't make sense for my title to be "emily in amsterdam" when i'm blogging from el paso. prepare yourselves for amazing-ness.

two days until i'm home.

so today is "two days until i'm home" day. that means i have to cram everything i didn't do that i wanted to do into the next two days. today i'm going to meet soph at metz&co for some hot chocie (best views of amsterdam if you're ever here) and then maybe i'll hit up foam. who knows, really, considering how my plans usually turn out.

i also need to change my money back into american dollars (aka getting extra money for nothing!) and maybe visit the anne frank house.

i'm getting kind of sad, but i'm not going to lie, i feel a big sense of relief.

yay for being a grown-up and making big girl decisions!

we will succeed

so i know i said sophia and i had some grand plans for yesterday, but this is what actually occurred:

we met for lunch (with tony and will) at around 2, stayed there talking until like 430.
we then went over to ben and jerry's for some much needed valentine's day ice cream.
then we went de zotte (belgian beer bar) and stayed there until like 730.
it was a lot of fun to just be able to relax and hang out, although i got the infamous "why so serious?" question many times. ugh. i act exactly the same before i drink bailey's as i do after, yet somehow people thinking i'm tipsy makes me seem like more fun.

um, no.


BUT, the plan is back on, and we're hitting up two museums today: the van gogh museum and foam (the photography museum). i am really excited about van gogh, but there is a richard avedon exhibit at foam, so i'm SUPER excited about that! yay!

wish us luck in our endeavors.

farewell my sweet amsterdam

so it's my last saturday in amsterdam. sad times...sort of. here's why:

i've loved being in amsterdam. it's been so fun to meet so many awesome people and make such good friends in such short amounts of time. i've had such a fun time here and will miss places like paradiso and belushi's. i will especially miss the friends who i had fun with at those places. you know who you are. but while my "little america" (all of my friends are/have been american) has been great, i miss "big america", as in the united states of america. i am so excited to go back.

i'm never more american than when i live in europe.

oh yeah, not to mention i need to grow up. that's the real reason i'm moving home.

so to end my amsterdam experience right, soph and i are going to pretend we're tourists and hit up some museums before i leave. i'm really excited about this because i've only been to one (the rijksmuseum) since i've been here. van gogh, joods historisch museum, and anna frank huis are all on my to-do list. oh yeah, and eat some pannekoeken.

and seeing how it's also VALENTINE's day, i'm going to buy myself some red tulips. that's right, i'm being self-sufficient. this feels quite empowering.

oh yeah, and i need to take lots of photos. or so my mom says...

so i took this personality in relationships quiz:

Emily..., you are a

You are an executive. You are consistent, reliable, thorough and persevering. You can also be socially charming. So you are good at managing others at home and work, in your social circles, and in community projects.

You are efficient too. You have high standards and take your duties seriously, focusing carefully and persistently on your assignments with sensible, concrete, tough-minded thinking and exactitude.

You respect schedules, rules, routines and customs. Appropriate behavior is generally important to you. Yet you have a streak of the independent and innovative thinker. As a result, you have a good balance between conventionality and originality.

You are also a good leader. You are direct, analytical, and skeptical, as well as emotionally contained and clear headed. You acquire the perks of rank more easily than most. And you handle your possessions gracefully. You also enjoy time alone, focusing deeply on your personal interests.

• Traditional
• Social
• Loyal
• Dependable
• Patient
• Community oriented
• Orderly

• Decisive
• Focused
• Analytical
• Logical
• Competitive
• Self disciplined
• Independent

As a Builder, you need a partner who knows his/her own mind and earnestly wants to help you establish a stable family life, cultivate a network of friends and build career and financial stability. You are good natured and willing to do thankless jobs for friends and family. And you gravitate to people who are honest and respectful of traditions. You particularly admire people who are socially conscious, and who participate in community-based organizations--for both charitable and social reasons. Foremost, you need a partner who is devoted to family, sensible with money, responsible with possessions, compassionate, and wants to have detailed and informed conversations.

You like people and are generally comfortable with them. Family is important to you and you are very protective of those you love. Yet you are skeptical of people who are impulsive and impatient with those who don't "get to the point" in conversations. You like concrete and focused conversations on everything from trivia to the important topics of the day.

• Your need to be realistic and cautious can keep you from trying new things.
• You can be overly critical of others.
• You can become so focused on your work or interests that you can inadvertently exclude those who love you.

You tend to naturally gravitate to the BUILDER/negotiators.

this is actually me in a nutshell.

you can take the quiz at:
http://www.chemistry.com/whyhimwhyher

bad luck o' the irish

so i felt the need to share this experience with anyone who may be slightly interested. it involves me, snow, sleet, fields, and an ambulance.

so on sunday, i met sophia and tony for a quick lunch in leidseplein. i hadn't seen tony since thanksgiving and sophia since like last tuesday. haha. anyway...when we walked out to leave, i said
emily: it feels so much colder than it did when i went inside.
sophia and tony: it's not even cold!
tony then catches a tram to centraal station.
sophia: i'm just going to bike home.
emily: dude, it's freezing you don't want to bike in this.
sophia: you're right. i'll tram-it.

so after this conversation we both wait for our trams and get on them. two minutes after i sit down on my tram it starts sleeting/snowing. i get a text from soph saying "man, i'm glad i didn't bike." thank goodness i'm so smart and saved her from the horrible weather. i'm sitting on my tram all warm and toasty when they make an announcement (in dutch). so i have to go up to the tram "conductor" and ask what he said. i'm informed that there was a tram accident so the tram has to take an alternate route. the closest stop to my house is a mile away.

so i get off the tram at the stop nearest to where i live and proceed walking. i'm walking in the snow for like a minute and all of a sudden the wind shifts. now i'm being pelted in the face with ice. niiiice. it actually hurts. i cross the street and am now walking in a field. i mean, i am on pavement, but it's surrounded (on one side) by a grassy, field-like area. i can't see like ten feet in front of me because, man, it's REALLY coming down, into my face.

so i'm walking in the middle of a field, being continuously pelted in the face with snow and begin laughing like a crazy person at the ridiculousness of the situation. wasn't I the one who said it was cold out? and others denied this fact.

i did end up passing near where the tram accident occurred and it looked pretty serious. lots of ambulances, fire trucks, etc. i felt bad for complaining to myself about how much it sucked walking in the snow. i realized it could be much worse.

but anyway, by the time i got home my black coat looked like a white coat with black polka dots.

good times in the netherlands. did i mention it's been 75 in el paso? hm...

welcome to my life.

11 days and counting.

another week goes by...and i ate pizza a grand total of 4 times. yes, yes i know. and i plan on eating it again tonight! mwahaha. fatty mcghee.

so, last night was bittersweet. it was the last night kate and i got to hang out on a weekend. she'll be in spain when i leave. it was good times at belushi's. we met lots of random people as usual. and by people i mean guys.

however, something was brought to my attention yet AGAIN. every time i talk to guys, they find a way to try to put me down. like not in some huge, ridiculous "YOU'RE UGLY" way. just subtly. last night it was one of my favorites: why are you making that face?

oh, i'm sorry. if you don't like my face, don't look at me. do they think that telling me i don't look like i'm having fun will get me to suddenly take of my shirt and start dancing on the table? finding randoms at the bar is not my top priority and when i'm out, i'm out to have fun with my friends.

i'm not one to fall for your trickery or give into peer pressure, jerk, so please apply your tactics elsewhere. and if you talked to me for about two minutes i think you would understand that i'm not THAT type of girl.

the thing is, i was having a good time. i was laughing it up with my friends, i was watching people, i was talking to people. i cannot smile 24/7. i think that may be physically impossible (hold on...looking on guinness world records website...brb).

guys that act like that may think i will be automatically and instantly inclined to prove to them just how much fun i can have. instead, i end up never wanting to talk to their judgmental butts again. just a few words of wisdom for any jerks that might read this.

oh yeah, and then after you're a jerk: don't text me. thanks.

one more thing. my brand new uggs that i just got for christmas, that are a month and half old, that are the loves of my life....have a HOLE in them. fail uggs. fail.

lies, one more thing. marisa has been really mean to me ever since she found out i was leaving. i guess she actually does like me, and might be just a little sad to see me go. i hope that someone continues with helping her learn to control her emotions. and this does not include ignoring her. that only works for some kids, and she is NOT one of them. i must say that i'm sad to leave the girls mostly because i worked so hard (hard part being consistent with discipline/rules) with marisa to get her to listen, not yell, be respectful, and have some self-control. all of which she had none of when i came. please god, help her. she's starting school this year and i want it to go well for her. maybe i should write theresa a letter about what works with her...

14 days.

so, i will be home in exactly two weeks! so excited.

i got an email for a job interview at utep, but the interviews are next week. the lady is trying to see if there is something she can do for me. i'm hoping there is :) if you work at utep, you get three free credit hours of tuition a semester. this would help me out in the quest for my master's degree. this would be a bonus on top of having a job! skype interview?

i think most of my things are going to fit into my two rather large suitcases. i am also flying business class from amsterdam to dublin, so hopefully they allow me to check-in more weight. we shall see...now all i need to do is find a book for my flight(s).

why oh why?

so this wednesday at belushi's kate and i (sophia didn't come. fail) were approached by random dutchie. i was not interested in any way, and i tried to make sure he knew it. when kate left us alone he was like "why do you act like this toward me?" and i was like "what do you want me to tell you?"

random dutchie sat there for another ten minutes. then he was like FINALLY like "i think i'm going to go back to my friends." i was like "okay, bye."

you think this would be end of story. WRONG. then he was like "i'll stay if you want me to". i made no comment and just looked at him. then he followed this up by "i'll only stay if you REALLY want me to". again, no comment. you think he would have caught on. NOPE. he was there for like literally another 15 minutes. sitting there looking at us in awkwardness.

ugh, why do i always get stuck with random creep-os? kate was getting to hang out with a hot aussie. lucky.

good thing this was not the highlight of my week.

the highlight of my week was...wait for it....wait for it: i bought my ticket home! if you know me, you know how excited/sad i am. i love amsterdam and i love my host family and most of all i love my amsterdam friends (all two of you now).

...but in a conversation with my mom, something clicked. i was telling her how ready i feel to "grow up" and get a big girl job, independence, a hot boyfriend, etc. she just said "em, you wanted all of those things before graduation." omg, she was so right. i did want all of those things before graduation. i was supposed to have all of those things and then...i didn't. so i think i've needed some time to put myself together again. and i have. so now i'm ready to start my adult life and move on from past problems.

and if you know me at all, you know how much pressure i put on myself. i'm not going to be happy until i feel like i'm doing what i need to do. and right now i'm not happy.

things will change for the better.

february 18th is the day!

thisiscreepilyonpoint

LIBRA: Nobody meant to hurt your feelings. Sometimes people do things just because it’s part of their own growth process. Any sense of rejection we feel is our problem. In this situation you’d be better off remaining philosophical about why so-and-so did what they did. In the end, you’ll see that all of this was in fact a big favor to you. Trust me. Nature hates a vacuum. Before you know it, life will fill up with people and opportunities that are more in tune with you and your needs. Let this go. Stop sweating the small stuff.

omg...as if this could be more on point.

ointmeal

i know it's not "blog day" but i needed to share some rather interesting things that were said to me today:

"i made her some ointmeal"

"i'm going to cut you"

"i'm going to make a knife"

guess who said these things?

time to man up

so, it is officially saturday, again. blog day seems to repeat itself very quickly.
nothing remotely exciting happened this week, so don't expect to read a life changing story. the usual happened:
monday- work
tuesday-work
wednesday-belushi's
thursday-work (and re-injuring of rib)
friday-work

you might be wondering how i re-injured my rib. let me explain.

i was "offered" a rotc scholarship for grad school. i'm seriously considering doing it. with the economy in the shape it is, why not go for free grad school and a secure job? so anyway, i was informed that to get said scholarship i have to be able to run two miles in 19:36 (doable), do
50 sit ups (walk in the park), and....wait for it...do 17 push ups. and we aren't talking girlie push ups. we're talking all out man style push ups. four months ago i could easily do eight (thanks pilates!). let's not think about that not being half the required amount. well, i attempted to test myself. not such a good idea with a healing "broken" rib. so it occured around push up number two (i remember it was two because i only did three): a loud POP. well, it didn't hurt...until the next day when i woke up. yeah, that's right: i'm a stupid idiot.

how does one begin training with a healing rib injury?

also, there was talk about boots and blisters. i'm more the type of person who complains her feet hurt because her heels were too high. oh flippin' no. i guess it's time for this clinique make-up wearing, chanel perfume spritzin', pink flat-iron using girl to man up.

maybe i should start with pilates. a little low-impact exercise never hurt anyone.

stab.stab.stab.

so i just talked to my mother on skype. she had lunch with one of her army wife friends. the friend told my mom that her daughter is getting married at west point this summer.

this may not seem like news to any of you, but to me it felt like i was continuously being stabbed in the heart.

you see...i used to date this boy that went there. as a matter of fact it lasted for three and a half years. so he was a pretty big part of my life and i thought that was where we were headed. apparently i thought wrong. we broke up almost a year ago.

it still hurts.
and every time it starts feeling better, i am reminded of it. the universe is against me.

oh yeah, did i mention he's married to someone else?

single white female seeks solace.

so, it's been a week since i updated my blog. maybe i'm slacking...or maybe i should just make blogging my saturday morning ritual. hm.

anyway, on to more interesting subject matter:

my plan this week was to go tanning. the permanently overcast skies have made it necessary to seek solace in artificial sunlight. the plan was to go on monday. monday came and then the plan was to go on wednesday. wednesday came and the plan was to go on friday. friday came and the plan is to go today. i'll let you know, but i have a feeling i might be going on monday again :)
oh yeah, and let me just clarify: this is to increase the amount of vitamin d in my system. not to be tan.

so what did i do this week? went shopping on wednesday (buying nothing as usual). although i did consume two hot chocolates (well one hot chocolate and one lukewarm chocolate) and a COLA (also known as coke to you yanks)! yep, i gave up on not drinking soda. it felt like i was punishing myself by not having it. for what? exactly: nothing. if i want to be a fattie mcgee, i'm going to be a fattie mcgee. end of story.

not literally, let's continue.

so we went to belushi's. our fave hangout. well, i'm not really sure if it's our fave (do we really even like it?), but we always end up going there. anyway, since i'm still on pain killers (yes mom, i take one before i go to sleep) i drank water all night. it's always such a weird experience to be completely sober when everyone around you is tipsy, drunk, hammered. i actually think i prefer it. i was well hydrated, i was well entertained, and well, there were hotties galore. we met some guys from austria and a dutchie. one austrian was really hot, but his accent just killed it for me (not to mention his rank alcohol breath).
oh yeah, that's why we DO like it. there are always hot guys and i usually find someone to refer to as my "soulmate" for the evening. i never talk to my "soulmate", we watch each other from a distance. talking would ruin it. of this i am sure (see above statement about austrian).

we still haven't gone dancing. by we, i mean myself. friends went dancing friday morning at midnight to who knows what time. i work fridays, so it wasn't really an option for me. but, hopefully dancing happens tonight. dancing in europe is so much better than dancing in the states. nobody can dance here, yet everyone does. nobody cares if they look stupid. and sometimes it can be quite diverting.

enough for now.

holy hesus.

so i was supposed to leave the house today (which i haven't left for...a week, tomorrow? embarrassing!) and did not. this is a bad thing. staying at home gives me an adequate amount of time to ponder over the things that i do not like about my life. instead, i should have been out enjoying the things i do like about my life (friends, hot chocie). why must i do this to myself?

maybe it has something to do with being in pain and on codeine.
maybe it has something to do with my personality.
either way, it sucks. thanks personality.

1. i will be 24 in nine months. this provokes thoughts of a man, a ring, and a wedding that have been invading my mind since infancy (yes, infancy). 24 was supposed to be the year. it more than likely won't be. tear.

i also thought about how this issue will not be fixed with me sitting in the house (or living in the netherlands. sorry, no dutchies for me, thank you).

2. i need to lose some major weight. and by major i mean five pounds. but when you've weighed the exact same amount for like four years it's not that easy. i might have to like (cover your ears) run. i know pilates won't work because i took a class for a semester and absolutely nothing, NOTHING, changed. i got stronger. i could do ten push-ups (man ones). but i want to get skinnier. and my dad said running is the only way. and as you know, dad's know best.

3. i need to find a job. like a grown-up job that pays enough to purchase grown-up things. i applied to like a kajillion-trillion jobs today. cross your fingers...and maybe your toes.

4. i need to fast-forward: i won't be 24 yet, i will have a job, an apartment, a car, an iphone (just thought i'd throw that one in there ;)
and perhaps things will be a little bit easier to figure out.

perhaps :)

oh l'eau

so i haven't had anything to drink besides water or milk for the last week, and have no desire to. i wonder if this is my body trying to tell me that it doesn't want anymore caffeine or alcohol. i think it is.

maybe i need to give up soda and alcohol for a month and see if i can feel a difference. i know for sure i won't be having alcohol anytime soon, thanks painkillers!

i'm looking forward to a long weekend of nothing-ness, the first in a while. should be nice (for me and my rib).
oh yeah, except planning the trip to london! woo hoo!

wa wa waaa...sad trombone.

i feel like my life is one humongous practical joke and i'm being caught on candid camera.
have you ever seen that movie with jim carey, the truman show? i'm the newest character. hi ya'll, i'm emily. nice to meet cha.

i just want to curl up in a corner (with my uggs on) and go to sleep like sleeping beauty until my prince comes to rescue me. oh yeah, and wake up looking absolutely fabulous.

i can't wait to be un-stuck from this rut.

already?

so i go back to amsterdam in the morn (oh crap, what time is my flight?!). i'm sad to say it, but i'm not really looking forward to it. i mean, my destination could be a lot worse than such a cosmopolitan locale, but i have no desire to leave the u.s. of a.
i guess i really am an all-american girl at heart. and, i like to have my family (mum) around when i'm confused about this whole "growing-up" biz.

one thing i did miss: dancing. soph, let's go asap.

good.ness.

sometimes i feel like my life is 50000 times more complicated than it should be. but my friend, you were right. if it wasn't complicated it would be boring. so i'm going to embrace this string of complications and look at the good that has come from it.

i'm not going to close myself off and i'm going to stay true to myself.

oh yeah, and i'm going to lose five pounds. i think that is enough to be skinny :)
also, ten would be too much work.